Tag: toddler

Finding my Voice Through Motherhood

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It’s not a secret that becoming a mom literally changes everything.

Your schedule is no longer about you, you have to think of a little persons needs before your own, you can’t just leave the house at a moments notice, and last minute plans just can’t happen anymore.

What may surprise you is how much you change inwardly once you become a mama

I remember saying to myself “I’m not gonna be one of those moms that let’s motherhood change them!” I’m pretty sure most, if not all of us, say this at some point. We all picture ourselves continuing on being who we were prior to motherhood, just with this little baby tagging along for the ride.

While I’m pleased to say I never fully lost myself, (although, like all moms I have certainly had my moments), I am definitely not who I was prior to becoming a mom.

I’m not so different that I’m unrecognizable. I’m not so different that if I were to hang out with my friends without kids they wouldn’t know what to do around me. However, deep down I am changed forever.

Yes I’ve changed in the normal ways you expect. I’m not out until 1 am with my friends anymore…. I honestly don’t even know what 1 am looks like anymore. I’m not getting my nails done every two weeks, or getting together every weekend with my girlfriends for a glass of wine. I’m genuinely happy to spend my weekends with my little family watching my toddler explore snd learn.

But there’s one way I’ve changed that I LOVE, and that’s truly surprised me.

I’ve found my voice, or at least I’m finding it!

My whole life I’ve been the girl who did as she was told (with a few rebellious spurts in my younger years). I’ve never really been one to say no when someone asked a favor, even when I really wanted to. I would never rock the boat if I disagreed, because I HATE confrontation.

Once I became a mother, that has slowly started t shift. Ask my husband… Almost instantly after becoming pregnant with my second I have pretty much no fear speaking my mind.

If someone asks me to do something now ,and I really don’t want to, or in my gut I feel like it’s a bad idea, the answer is no. No more people pleasing.

That doesn’t mean it’s anything personal against the person asking for the favor, or inviting me to something. Time just becomes a precious commodity once you have another human to care about. They tend to take up the majority of your time, especially when they’re so young. Adding more events, or favors to your plate can be stressful.

Personally, I know I am a better wife and mother when there’s a sliver of time in my day carved out for myself, and if that means saying no to a night out with friends so be it. I can’t pour from an empty cup, and sometimes the best way for me to fill my cup is an hour of alone time. For this reason, I am super comfortable saying no to plans. After all, once you’re a mama alone time is so hard to come by.

I’ve also experienced the fun of postnatal anxiety. So saying no to things involving my kid when in my gut they just don’t feel right has become second nature now. I know that if I follow my intuition I won’t regret it; but, saying yes when my my head is screaming no always results in anxiety.

I really found my voice recently at the pediatricians office. A doctor I don’t normally see, but have had to with limited staff, tried to pressure me into multiple vaccines at once. I delay and space them out as a matter of preference.

I found myself being lectured… no more like bullied, by the doctor about why I may have a point but she didn’t think it was correct. Now, normally when someone of authority talks to me like that, I cower and just agree so the argument ends. This time, mama bear snapped.

I nicely, but firmly, told her it was my preference, and that while I appreciate her opinion, I’m doing what I personally feel comfortable with. She huffed and puffed but eventually gave in. Ever since, she’s been kind and understanding when I say no to something she suggests.

When it comes to my own personal beliefs, and the beliefs of others, I’ve always wanted to remain respectful. I was raised to treat others as I would want to be treated. I personally don’t want someone shoving what they believe, or their ways of doing thing down my throat. Therefore, I try to do the same.

My personal code of ethics is to keep my beliefs to myself unless you seek me out. If you genuinely want my opinion I’m happy to give it. I’ll talk personal beliefs all day with anyone open to it.

At some point during your pregnancy, (pretty much as soon as you announce it to anyone), it’s almost like a sign is tattooed on your forehead. It reads: “unsolicited advice welcome here!” It’s not really welcome here, but it’s given to us anyway, and it doesn’t stop after the baby comes. It just gets worse.

This advice, and outspoken opinions, come from a well meaning place… usually anyway. A loving family member or friend gives you a piece of information they personally found helpful. They truly want to better your experience with their suggestions.

Sometimes this advice, suggestion, or the belief they are unknowingly pushing on you, just doesn’t align. Sometimes it may seem, or even BE critical of the way you do things, or what you believe. I used to smile and nod, again, trying to remain the peacekeeper.

These days, if it rubs me the wrong way, or feels too pushy, I shut it down. I don’t do this in a rude way. Instead, I politely say “thank you, but this is how I’m doing it”, or point out where my boundary is, and respectfully ask that it is followed.

I cannot tell you how freeing this is.

Motherhood is the most challenging, wild, experience of my life. It’s also been the most beautiful transformation I’ve ever experienced.

Yes, I’ve had my moments where I look in the mirror and don’t know who I’m looking at anymore. Yes, I’ve had days where I need a break and want to rip my hair out. More than anything though, I feel like I am more myself than ever before.

Motherhood has made me stronger in my convictions. It has made me realize that speaking my mind, and standing up for myself, and the family I’ve created is much more important than keeping the peace. It has been more freeing than anything.

When I birthed my little girl, I was born again too. I became a mom. Mothers are warriors. We love hard, and we fight hard for our families.

The greatest gift I’ve received as a mother is my little girl. The second greatest gift I received was my voice. I’m still finding it, and learning to use it, but I will forever be grateful for it.

So from one mama bear to another, don’t ever be afraid to let someone hear you roar. It is a gift, so never be ashamed to use it.

You Asked for This

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It’s so easy for us to get caught up in the frustrations of our days…. or hey our year if it’s 2020.

Our kids blatantly ignoring us calling their names, the fact that you’ve cleaned the kitchen 10 times today and have to do it once again, or that your husband doesn’t seem to know what the hamper is for. We’ve all been there.

A few days ago I found myself trying to get some reports done for work, and trying not to rip my hair out as my daughter was climbing a table in the other room. I had corrected her about 100 times that morning, and even rerouted her attention multiple times. She’s at this fun age though where she knows she’ll get mommy’s attention away from work if she does what I tell her not to.

I was so very close to snapping, losing my shit, and having one of those mommy moments we’ve all had and later regret. You know the ones where you go psycho and scream, and then later realize you just argued with a 20 month old?

I happened to be listening to a podcast…. which for the life of me I cannot remember who or what it was about…. mom life. The guest on the podcast spoke these words right before I hit my boiling point: “you asked for this.”

I literally think I laughed out loud as she began to explain how every time she gets upset with how her company, or being a parent, or a wife is going she reminds herself of those four words.

“You asked for this.”

Now, you may not be into all the woo woo spiritual things like I am, but I fully believe that this was a message from above.

I NEEDED to hear those words at that exact moment, or I would have gone Mad Max on my poor kid, who really just can’t understand why I’m not giving her my full attention on workdays.

This resonated with me. I sat there shaking my head, and giggling, and realizing I DID ask for this.

I asked to be a mother. I prayed for it over and over. I planned for it, and did everything in my power to make that happen.

I wished and hoped to be able to spend all of my days with her…. not the way that it happened (you know a pandemic), but here I am home full time with my little girl. I got what I asked for.

I wanted to have a free spirited, strong willed, little girl who wasn’t afraid to speak her mind. At only 20 months, boy can I tell you, I sure got it.

I wanted this. I asked for this. I prayed, and prayed for the life I have right now.

Yes it’s hard, yes it’s messy, yes it’s frustrating at times, but that is what this life comes with. Deep down I knew that. I knew it would be sleepless nights, arguments, a messy house and endless worry about my child’s well being, but still I wanted this!

We can’t ask for something and then decide we only want the good parts. That isn’t realistic. Life isn’t perfect. If you didn’t know that, maybe this year is showing that to you.

Not even a day later, I was walking with my daughter on the farm. It was a cold day and I grabbed my winter coat that had been tucked away since April. I reached into my pocket and felt a small tiny marble.

I pulled it out of my pocket and started to laugh.

I’m pretty sure I said out loud “okay! I get it!”

It was a small clear glass marble I had gotten at a shop in Salem Massachusetts on our baby moon. The shop had a huge bowl of them with a sign that said “free wishes, take one make your wish, and hold on to it to remind you of it.”

Guess what I wished for folks.

I wished to be able to stay home with my daughter full time, while still being able to help my husband financially. I kept that little marble in my pocket since November 2018, and here I am almost exactly 2 years later and that wish has come true.

Yes, somedays while working from home I want to pull my hair out. It’s hard to wear two hats at once. Yes, it’s annoying to stop my work every few minutes to make sure my daughter isn’t jumping from the bay window to her death. Yes, it’s hard to focus when your kid constantly asks for snacks, or asks for you to play with her. Yes, work takes longer because of all the tiny interruptions.

Yes, it is more difficult than heading to an office, then leaving work there at the end of the day.

Honestly though…. I wouldn’t want to go back.

So now whenever I start to lose my shit, or I feel my frustrations bubbling up at my daughter, I’ll take a deep breath and remind myself “you asked for this.”

You asked for difficult, you asked for challenging, you asked for repetition and monotony. It comes with the territory of the most rewarding thing you’ve ever wished for.

Along with all the frustrating parts of your wish you got far more amazing aspects.

You got unconditional love, the best hugs and kisses on the planet. You got the sweetest little “I love you mommys!” You got the best little adventure partner, and beach buddy. You get to experience childhood again.

All that outweighs the hard stuff that came with it.

I asked to be a mother. I asked to be at home with her full time. I asked for all of it, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I asked for this.

Be a Good Listener: A Lesson We May Need More Than Our Children Do

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A thought recently popped into my head, and I haven’t been able to get it out.

So here it is:

How can we as parents tell our children that they need to learn to listen, when we haven’t seemed to learn to listen at all?

I mean think about it.

Look at your social media platforms. Your Facebook wall is riddled with people sharing something they believe, things they feel strongly enough to share.

Instead of reading, or watching, truly listening, and letting their words or feeling sink in, most people who disagree angrily type a rebuttal.

It seems that we are so desperate for our own beliefs and feelings to be heard that we can’t hold space for anyone else’s.

Yet here we are, every day, scolding our children to stop talking over us, to stop arguing with us, and just listen to what their parents have to say.

Funny isn’t it?

What’s good for our children to learn, seems to be lost on us adults.

We’re all guilty. We don’t even realize we’re doing it!

When someone states how they feel, maybe even share some statistics to support that feeling, instead of listening and holding space for that person and acknowledging that they’re feelings are valid, it seems our rational minds shut down and we revert to toddler behavior. We primitively think “surely their feelings cannot be valid because that means mine aren’t!”

Rationally we know this isn’t true. We all have different life experiences, and all of them are very real and very valid.

Intelligent, rational, educated adults react this way. In person, and behind their computer screens.

So how can we expect our children to learn to be good listeners and acknowledge other people’s feelings if we seem to have lost the ability ourselves?

We seem to forget that we are all the same on the inside. We all have feelings. We all have hurt and pain. We all bleed, we all cry. We all experience anger and love.

Whether you realize it or not, we all feel deeply, and we all want to be heard, adults and children alike.

There is room enough for everyone to share their beliefs and feelings, we just need to share that space. Truly share it. That means being a good listener.

It doesn’t mean you have to agree with that person. It means that you hold space for that persons feelings.

You listen to what they have to say without interrupting, without judgment, without arguing. I mean think about it; if your kid interrupts you while you are trying to speak what do you do? You reprimand them, and tell them what they are doing is wrong. Tell them no arguing, just listen to what I have to say!

So why is it ok for us as adults to do this on a daily basis to one another? How will our children learn to listen and work together, when their greatest teachers can’t seem to do so ourselves?

In a world where everyone’s opinions are louder than ever, it’s time we start walking the walk, and talking the talk.

Instead of deleting your friend off Facebook for their post on antiracism and structural racism statistics; read it, take it in, look at their sources and sit with what they are telling you. Assess how it makes you feel, and instead of hitting unfriend, realize that they are asking to be heard, not asking you to take up arms with them. You may not agree with what they have to say, but you may connect with them on a deeper level knowing a pain they are feeling.

If your friend is posting police lives matter, and you feel like that is attacking your cause, don’t press unfriend either! Read it, listen to their message, sit with their pain too. How does this make you feel? Why does this make you feel this way? Don’t respond in anger, just let them be heard just like you want to.

What if your child “unparented”you because they didn’t like what you were telling them. That would be ridiculous right?

Kind of like how ridiculous it is to let people voicing their differences in opinion be a reason to end relationships with them. Think about that next time you hit “unfriend” because you can’t believe your friend on fb feels differently about something than you do.

Political posts, religious posts, feminist posts, spiritual posts, Veganism, keto diet, parenting, and any other hot topics people love to argue about on the internet (it seems like everything)…. just read it, watch it, observe what that person is trying to tell you they are feeling.

They are trying to show you a piece of themselves. They’re asking you to look at their hearts, their pain, their struggles, their triumphs, their love, their victory, their passions and just hold space for them.

They aren’t trying to force you to believe what they do, because no one thinks they’re going to change your mind based on a post on the internet.

We all just want to be listened to.

So think about that next time you tell your kid “you’re not being a good listener!”

WE are not being good listeners.

WE, the adults, need a good hard lesson in listening. WE need to do better.

Think of how much better the world would be if we listened to one another, really listened. We could understand, and use empathy to work with on another.

Understanding someone’s pain or belief doesn’t mean that you feel the same way, it just means you acknowledge that it is very real for them.

When we can do this, we can work together.

We tell kids to do this all the time when they play with, or work on projects with kids they don’t necessarily get along with or enjoy. So why is it different for us as adults?

It shouldn’t be.

As parents we all want to raise our children to be good, kind, successful… think of how much better, kinder,and more successful they will be if they learn to listen to others, and be able to work through differences.

So let’s teach our children to listen by first being good listeners ourselves.

Start today, and be the example for your child.

It starts with us.

When we listen so will they, and because of it, the world will be a much better place.

Toddler and Husband Approved Apple Cinnamon Muffins (packed with nutrients and flavor too!)

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If you follow my Instagram page (thatcultivatedlife.life) than you have probably seen me baking a ton in the kitchen with my 1 year old.

Yeah that’s right, baking with my 1 year old! Call me crazy, but it has been so fun, and she absolutely LOVES it.

I’ve been looking for creative baking ideas that are easy (and nutritious) so that she can be more involved in the kitchen with me. I figure if I’m gonna be baking more, I am gonna let her eat it… and if I’m gonna let her eat, it I want it to be healthy and not a sugar bomb.

So I’ve been hitting the drawing board and creating new recipes to test in the kitchen with her.

She has mastered pancakes, and moved on to cookies, and I can only eat so many of those. So yesterday, I felt it was time to move on to the world of muffins! So I sat down and wrote down a recipe I hoped would work out… it worked out ridiculously well!

I wanted to make sure I wasn’t jaded about how delicious they were, so I shared them with a few people. First my daughter, who devoured hers, without sharing with her dog, or uttering a single noise… that means she was fully enjoying it. I also brought some to my in-laws, my husband and my cousin… all of them said they were great.

So I figured I would share it with you all too!

I highly encourage you to make these yummy muffins and get your kids involved.

It’s gonna get messy, they will probably spill things all over the place, but they will have so much fun! They will get a basic idea of where food comes from, and feel a better connection to it.

It also may show them a new hobby they never knew they loved! I have been baking and cooking in the kitchen since I was 5 (thanks Grandma Bracken), and to this day it’s my therapy.

Embrace the mess, let go of perfection, and get those kiddos cooking! And if it’s not your thing, no judgment here. Just give these a whirl yourself and enjoy!

So without further adieu, the yummy gluten free, egg free muffins of your dreams…

Ingredients

  • 2 cups almond or oat flour (I used almond)
  • 1 tsp baking powder
  • 1 tsp baking soda
  • 1 tsp cinnamon
  • 2 flax eggs (2 TBS flax meal, 6 Tbs water, mix together and set aside for 5 minutes)
  • 1/2 cup maple syrup
  • 1/2 cup unsweetened apple sauce
  • 1/2 cup of unsweetened vanilla almond milk (or oat milk)
  • 2 small Granny Smith apples diced and tossed in about 2 tsp of flour (this helps them from sinking to the bottom of the muffin)

Preheat your oven to 350°. Grease a muffin tin. This will make about 9 regular sized muffins.

Mix together all dry ingredients. Add the syrup, apple sauce and almond milk and mix well. Add the diced apples and fold into your batter. Pour into the muffin tin and bake for 1 hour, or until you can pull a toothpick out of the center cleanly. Allow to fully cool in the tin (they’ll continue to bake for a few minutes out of the oven), and enjoy!

Happy baking! Let me know if you made these and tag me on Instagram or Facebook! (@thatcultivated.life).